Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
