Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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