i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
