I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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