never play flip cup with pint glasses
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
