the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize
