I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
