take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
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