If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize