Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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