just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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