i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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