my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
