So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
