You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize