Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize