I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
