dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
