I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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