At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
