My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
