I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
