im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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