The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
