mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
