he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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