Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
