At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
