i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
