I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
