I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just had sex bonerless
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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