If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
