I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
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