sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
