My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
The feeling are messing with the penis
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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