after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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