He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
