You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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