I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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