In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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