Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
