I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
