Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
