how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
