I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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