you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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