It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
