as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
