It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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