Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
