The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
