Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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