I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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