If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
